Saturday, February 13, 2010

What Happened?

Wow! The past year has been filled with lies and unbelievable stories from our drug addicted son. How in the world did this happen? My husband and I have spent many hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out when everything went wrong. It hit us smack in the face this year. He tried to hide his problem, but it became so apparant to us....the behavior was so strange and so dishonest. We are so frightened for him. We are frightened for ourselves and the loss of who our son really is. He has hurt people close to him that care about him with his dishonesty.

We are trying to find a way to feel somewhat normal. We must find a way to carry on. His actions have created such turmoil in our lives. How to gain control of our lives again....how to love a drug addict....how to hold our heads up....how to not feel crazy because of his craziness....how to have hope.

18 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is the most difficult thing I have ever lived through. I have a 27 year old daughter. She is a heroin addict. We've been on this roller coaster for almost ten years. You are not alone. There are more and more of us brokenhearted moms (and dads). I hope you will continue to post and share your thoughts. I'll add you and your precious son to my prayers.

    Please know that this is not your fault. Please know that you can't fix this for him. True recovery is only going to be accomplished when it is what HE wants and works for. Please know that we care.

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  2. You remind me of the painful way we lived for years. There is an answer to all those 'hows'. You will gain control of your lives, you will learn how to love a drug addict, you will walk with your heads high, the craziness will not seep into every one of your days, and there is hope. There are so many of us who know exactly how you feel.

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  3. There is a solution! Welcome to the best group of bloggers! You asked for help...God is listening.

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  4. Kelli,

    I found my way to your blog from "Her Big Sad" blog.

    You are not alone in this. I wish I would never have to say this but welcome to our club, Parents Of An Addict.

    You are doing something right now important and very helpful for you and your family, you are writing and reaching out. There is a lot of help out there and we are all walking this together and it does help when you are not alone.

    My qualifier is a 21 year old son that began using when he was 15. Today he is clean, since last Thanksgiving, but I know it is day to day. We are just happy to see one day at a time clean. His drug of choice was oxy and black tar heroiin.

    There are a lot of resources for you and your husband to find on blogs here. If you sih you can visit ours, we have been writing for one year about our son. www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com

    In addition I also write for The Partnership For A Drug Free America. They have a lot of resources and here are links to my postings there. http://intervene.drugfree.org/author/ron/

    Do not hesitate to write if you have questions. I know your hearts are aching and there are a million questions and it is easy to fall into "what did WE do wrong?" trap. That's natural. Seek out help, there is no reason you must go this alone. My e-mail is teamplayer@aol.com

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  5. Kelli,I'm sorry to hear about this struggle with your son. You will find a lot of helpful information and stories of our own experience, strength and hope in the blogs. There is always hope. And the start of that happened when I came to understand how powerless I was over the alcoholics in my life.

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  6. I'm sorry. I'm over at http://daughterheroinaddictsmoms.blogspot.com

    but you need an invitation, so email me at fractalmom1@gmail.com to get one.

    my daughter is 31, been a heroin addict for 11 years. i have custody of two of her three children.

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  7. Kelli, I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. Although the world of addiction is not one that any of us choose to learn about, knowledge will give you power and so I encourage you to reach out, read, write, ask questions and learn. Mostly though, know that you are not alone. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders when I found this community of other parents affected and truly realized I was not alone (I blogged for 6-8 months before anyone found me.) You will get your life back, and you will find ways to "love" your son without being totally engrossed in his activities and his choices, but it takes time. And I implore you to remember that you did not CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL this, and the hardest "C" to accept for us parents...you can't CURE this. It will be up to him.

    My son is almost 22; and has had an addiction problem since 18 (he dabbled in high school, but it did not completely overtake him until after he graduated). He started with pot (a gateway drug to be sure), advanced to Oxy and then joined the black tar heroine movement. We've been through the stealing, the car crashes, the lying, the sneaking out at night, and the drug dealers driving right up to our house to deliver product. He's been through 4 formal detox and/or rehab programs. Today, he is finishing a 4-month inpatient program, following an overdose, and he continues to be connected to the program. It looks like when he graduates next month he will be staying and training and then working for the program. Of course, every day we accept that this could change as well, if he chooses a different path. I don't know your story yet, but when reading your post, I felt every bit of pain and agony that you are feeling.

    I will add you and your family to my prayer list; and I encourage you to reach out for everyone's support. It will make a difference. Prayers and Hugs to you.

    If you click on my name, it will lead you to the link to my blog; and my email address is lisac@enXco.com. Email me anytime.

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  8. You are not alone. It is bad, but it can be better. Look for the support you need, take what works and leave the rest.

    I wish you the very best.

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  9. Kelli,

    My heart goes out to you and your family. I wrote very similar words about 18 months ago. There is HOPE. All the comments above me are from other parents who I've grown to respect and rely on through this horrible ordeal called addiction. We don't always agree philosophically, we are all in different stages of our child's addition, we have different personalities. But two things we have in common is: we've been where you are now and WE CARE! You are not alone, Kelli! Writing has helped me so much, and I hope you continue to blog.

    My son has recently finished rehab and has 6 months clean. I never thought I would feel this hopeful,but I do! It is possible. Does your son live with you? How old is he? Do you know his drug of choice and how long he's been using?

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. I already see that many of my blogger support group family found their way here. They are all great people to know, who will lift you up and encourage and support you. Please add them to your blogroll, and I hope you add me. I'm at http://howismyson.blogspot.com/ which is titled OXYCONTIN AND OPIATE ADDICTION: A Mother's Story. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago, Genesis: From the Beginning, which recaps my 22 month journey as the mom of a drug addict.
    god bless,
    Debby

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  11. I have been writing about my heroin addict son (for 10 years) at my blog. I spent many years with my life on hold, waiting for him to "just stop". Now my husband and I (and daughter) live our lives, and let him make his own decisions. It might sound cold to you now, but everything else we tried simply did not work. If money could buy clean and sober, there would be no addicts.

    Please don't waste time trying to figure out "who or why". AlAnon changed my life, maybe you will give it a try.

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  12. My daughter is still in active addiction after many rehabs. I agree with Lou. You did not create this addiction. You can not cure it and you can not control it.

    You can learn to survive and even be happy weather or not the addict remains active.

    God bless you. This is a club that none of us wanted to join.

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  13. You are not alone, many of us have experienced the same things, dealt with them differently, on different terms, different time frames, etc. But after time and much support, there is hope and you can live in peace. I am praying for you and your family to seek out any support you can, be open minded and try very hard to accept and let go with love. I have gained so much support and knowledge from the fellow bloggers, I hope you will gain the same.

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  14. Alanon helped me to love my son as he is. He is so much more than his addiction and Alanon taught me how to love him freely. I can now be with him, in the moment, and now have the guilt, resentment, fear, worry, or sheer terror that I used to. I no longer choose to be the victim or the martyr or his God, I am content being his mother, warts and all. I hope you try out 6 Alanon meetings before you decide if it is for you or not. ::Hugs:: You will be okay...no matter what.

    Namaste

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  15. arg...spellcheck doesn't always work. Insert "not" for "now"

    Namaste (again)

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  16. Thanks for sharing your story. Addiction is an old friend of mine that I'm just starting to address on my own blog.

    I would love to hear from you over there. Any input from you on my post would be greatly appreciated.

    There is also a thread on my discussion board over at my FB Fan Page.

    I plan on using my blog to dive deeper into the issue of addiction, and any input from a knowing source would be wonderful, as I am trying to break out of my own shell when it comes to this.

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  17. My heart goes out to you. That was me last October with my daughter.
    Blind-sighted.
    I have found a lot of support through other blogs of parents going through similar situations with their kids, and through Al-Anon. Hopefully you will reach out and find some support that is right for you. Just starting this blog might be a good way for you to get your thoughts out. I hope you keep writing, it is a release.

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  18. All of your comments have touched me more than you will ever know. It is so nice to know there are such kind people out there. I am sorry that you know what I am going through, but so thankful you took the time to share with me and offer support to me. When I share our experience with close friends and coworkers I feel very judged and ashamed. I have learned to try not to talk about our situation. Somes days, though, depending upon the latest drama I just blurt something out. I kick myself after for sharing. Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I will also keep you in my prayers. I am just learning about this blogging so please bare with me. You are special people!

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