Sunday, February 21, 2010

When does the lying stop? Should a parent try to detect all the lies? He is 21 and does not live with us. Do we just let it continue or spend all of our time trying to stop it and being disappointed yet again. What is real with him? Does he care about his family? It is exhausting! I don't get it! Wanting to find a peaceful place for my mind to go to...Want him to just be WELL! I don't know if I can be well if he isn't well.

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts and support. So sorry you know what I am going through. You gave this heart-broken mom a lift today. Thank you for sharing. Our experience sounds very close to many of your experiences.

I will strive to be strong today!


  1. Here's my two cents: The lying stop after the drug use stops and the person gets out of the habit of lying (my son told me he lies out of habit then catches himself and wonders why he lied about something he did not need to lie about).

    Should you try to detect all the lies? I think that would drive you nuts and cause more frustration than its worth. I used to assume everything he said was untrue. Once in awhile he'd "get me" and I'd believe him usually to find out later he was lying again.

    I think "real" for him right now is getting what he needs to continue using drugs.

    Yes, he cares about his family deep inside but that part of him is buried right now. Its not gone, just buried.

    I hate that you (or any parent) has to go through this. Its very exhausting, frustrating, annoying, scary, maddening. Keep your attitude of being strong one day (or hour or minute) at a time, you WILL get through this and so will he.

  2. I have found it doesn't serve any purpose to seek out all the lies so the addict knows they didn't pull one over on us. I, also like Barbara, pretty much assume most of what comes out of my son's mouth is untruthful and manipulative. It is like banging your head against a wall over and over, trying to catch them in the lies and confront them over and over. You are in the early stages of discovery and the best thing I can think to share with you right now is to focus on taking good care of yourself. If that means taking a hot shower and feeling the warmth of the water, taking a walk, etc., and to just stay in the present moment. I found that all the time I spent worrying didn't change a thing except to make me sick. Pray, seek support and take care of you. Our son's are adults and have to walk their own paths to recovey, we have to step aside and allow them to do that, no matter how bad that may look to us. God bless you and your son.

  3. I recognize that feeling! " I don't know if I can be well if he isn't well." I have decided I better learn how or I am either going to go crazy or become very sick as well. Good luck to us both so far this has been a very difficult task.

  4. During active using periods, I expect that if my daughter's lips are moving, she is likely lying. Oddly, she often believes whatever spin she puts on what she's saying.

    During sober periods, my daughter is amazingly honest about the crap she has done, put us through, bonehead moves, dangerous adventures, what she deserves and what she has screwed up.

    I don't try to discern the truth or lies in what I'm hearing any more. A very wise fellow bloger told me to let my daughter "show me"!! Her actions tell all.

    I am hoping you can find some time to do some special things for yourself, things that bring you a measure of peace in this storm. And I'm still praying!

  5. as a caveat, the lying doesn't always stop when the using stops.

    the lying stops when the USING MENTALITY stops.

    they are two separate and distinct stages

  6. I think that when someone overcomes the emotional, physical and spiritual sickness, then they are on the right path. It is so important to understand that I can be well and even happy, regardless of what others do.

  7. Just dropping by to say hi, and that I'm hoping things are somewhat calmer for you. Wishing you a great weekend!

  8. Check out a post on my blog from yesterday called "Mothers." It is a long, hard road to recovery sometimes. I am now 35, and have been clean for four years. You may enjoy some of my insights.

  9. Oh my, you are reading my mind. My daughter just turned 21 and is addicted to OC. I had to ask her to leave our house again last week after she stole her brothers bank card and pin and cleaned his account out for a high. I want so bad for her to be well, and even more desperately for this to be over but I know it won't ever be until she is truly ready and right now she isn't. Letting her go and praying that god doesn't think this is her time is killing me. I just want it to end, when does it end?